Hard As Nails
by Jitalatique
Summary: Written over the summer and named after nail polish. A horrible little story about Kitty's "accidental" death, in which a mockery is made of.. everyone, really. [SLASH]


I said I'd never touch the X-men Fandom. BUT I LIED.

No flames, please. I do like Kitty. Honestly. Yeeaahhh.. *busts a sweat* .;;

"Scoooooooott!" Jean screamed, running down the halls. She reached said mutant's door and began to bang on it so hard she felt as if her fists were going to break. He finally opened the door, fumbling to put his sunglasses on, when she jumped on him, wrapping her arms around him, crying hysterically. "Scott! Scott! KITTY IS DEAD!"

"REALLY!?" He yelled in joy, and then quickly cleared his throat. "I mean.. OH MY GOD!"

"Scott, it was so horrible! She phased right through the floor.. I, I, I.."

"Calm down!" He put his arms around her. "Go lay down in my room and settle down. I'm gonna go see what happened."

"Good Lord!" Scott swore as he entered the living room of the Institute and spotted the neglected, holy(wait for me to explain, damn you) body of Kitty lying on the floor by an open porno magazine and a spilled can of beer. Evan was covered in blood and wrapped in a blanket, with Ororo sitting next to him, trying to get him to drink some water and speaking soothingly to him.

"Hush, Scott! Do you vant to upset him more?" Kurt put a finger to his blue lips. He was only in his boxers, looking a bit rumpled. He looked Scott in the face. "You vant to know vat happened, ja?"

"I suppose I am a bit curious," Scott coughed and tried to sound like the assumed leader of the X-Men. "A dear friend like Kitty is a huge loss."

"Stop ze bullshit. Zat vas a bitch if I ever did know von. Anyvays, here is ze scoop! Kitty vas having one of zose bad dreams vere she vas having sex vith Evan," he stuck his tongue out at the young black mutant, who give him the finger and was slapped by Ororo, "and she phased through ze floor. Evan vas down here vith Pieeeeeetro," he stopped to snicker for a moment, "vatching bootleg copies of Sailormoon."

"Watching Sailormoon?" Scott arched an eyebrow. "That.. I can accept. But with Quicksilver?"

"He vas! You didn't know? Zose two alvays vatch Sailormoon at night. Zey say zat ze love of anime is greater zan allegiance pledged to their groups or zeir stupid rivalry. And zey never argue ven it is on. Crazy!" The 'fuzzy elf' as the departed Kitty used to call him nodded gravely. "I vould not pull your ear, as you Americans say!"

"Leg."

"Vat?"

"It's the leg that you pull."

"Oh, same difference," Kurt whipped his tail around in agitation. "Vell, anyvay, ven Kitty fell, Evan vas surprised and quickly shot out some spikes! Poor Kitty landed on him and vas impaled."

"And what did Pietro do?"

"Zat is ven I came in. Kitty vas screaming and thrashing. Ze blood splattered on Pietro's Structure shirt and he vas very pissed off. He stormed out."

"And that's the story, huh?" Scott put his hand over his face and sighed sadly.

"No, zat is not ze entire story.." Kurt mumbled.

"Well? What else happened?"

"Rogue vas already downstairs getting a drink of vater and she came running in and tried to pull Kitty off of Evan.. and she forgot to put her gloves on since she vas sleeping only a few minutes before! She zapped vat vas left of Kitty's life. How unfortunate. You zink you go rid of a bitch and zen you get fucked again."

Scott's eyed widened. "What did you say!?"

"Uh.." Kurt began to look around quickly, trying to cover up his dirty language before the goody-goody Scott could burst a blood vessel. "I said, zat body smells like unvashed liederhosen!"

"Like, oh my Gawd, you are totally right! That is so, like, ick! Somebody clean this up! I am like, grossing out!" Rogue came stumbling up, short hair pulled into a ponytail and lip gloss smeared all over her lips. Her usual make-up was washed off.

"Scary shit, eh?" Logan, quickly following behind Rogue wherever she went making sure she didn't phase through any of the Institute's important equipment, said at seeing the look on Scott's face.

"The scariest part is that Jean is actually upset that Kitty's dead," Scott tried to remain calm. "This is just horrible.. am I ever gonna get laid!? Either the Brotherhood attacks, someone dies, she's on her period or it's time for final exams. I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH," Scott raged.

"Scott, you are so, like, right. Maybe you should, like, go out with a girl like me instead of a girl like, uh, Jean. She is, like, a whore anyway. She totally screwed Duncan," Rogue nodded as if she was so sure of the crazy shit she was rambling about. Logan sighed. Boy, they'd hear it when she woke up in the morning and saw what she looked like and heard what she'd said..

This was the exact moment Jean decided to come back downstairs. Her eyes widened in shock as she heard Rogue saying such awful things about her.

"I slept with Duncan!? OH MY GOD! Scott, I just found out I slept with Duncan! We can't.. we can't go out anymore! I have to go," the Telepath ran out of the front door, sobbing hysterically. No one attempted to follow her.

The next day, just as Logan predicted quietly to himself that night, Rogue was in a foul mood, and she would scream and holler at everyone on random. Especially Scott.

After the heartbroken Scott was dressed and dragged from his room by Evan and Kurt, the funeral service began out in the yard. Kurt would be the priest, since no one was really 'up to' calling one or notifying the authorities of the death of the annoying brat. Plus, Kurt's dream was to be a priest, and he needed the practice.

The German mutant stood up at the podium on a beautiful day where it seemed like God was as joyful as the others were pretending not to be. "Kitty Pryde vas mein Freund--"

"Oh shut up, demon boy! You know as well as Ah do that no one cared about the little bitch! You're tryin' to fool the Proff and Miss Munroe, but it ain't gonna happen! Make us all a bit more happy by telling the damn truth!" Rogue screamed from the back row. Everyone was silent.

"Uh.." Kurt's eyes wandered to the professor.

"Yes, well," Xavier coughed a bit, "maybe she's right, Kurt. I think Kitty would want you to tell the truth."

"Kitty? Who cares vat she vants? I vas just vorried about you and Miss Munroe."

"I never really liked her, anyway!" Ororo called from a small distance away, watering her plants.

"Vell, alright, zen! Kitty vas an annoying little bitch, and everyone thought zat I liked her. She vas constantly complaining about mein fur, damnit! You have to enjoy ze fur, love ze fur, stroke ze fur.. and zat is vat mein boyfriend does."

A little bit away from the festivities, the Brotherhood (minus Magneto, Mystique, Sabertooth, and Fred, who was at home having a couple hundred snack cakes) watched the funeral with much interest.

"Fur boy has a boyfriend?" Todd flicked his tongue out and caught a fly.

"It seems so," Lance snarled. But then again, Lance always snarled. He was very unhappy. Unless he was banging Pietro.

"Dude, you gonna kick Evan's ass today for getting that dead chick's blood on your shirt last night?" Todd elbowed Pietro.

"Forget Evan. Fur boy's boyfriend.. I wonder if he's a mutant. More competition! No one is good enough for me. I need someone fast. Someone who can keep up!" Pietro talked as fast as he ran, and Todd was easily agitated today. He shot his tongue out to hit Pietro in the head for not only going too damn fast, but for being overly conceited when he'd promised the psychiatrist yesterday that he'd be more caring about everyone else's feelings.

Lance grabbed Todd's tongue when it shot out again. "STOP THAT! IT'S ANNOYING! And you, Maximoff! Shut the fuck up! PUT THAT MOUTH TO GOOD USE!"

"Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty to me!" Pietro knocked Lance over and began to undo his pants.

"Aw shit, I think we've been spotted, yo!" Todd groaned.

"I know that voice!" Scott stopped moping to stand up and look heroic. "That's Lance Alvers!"

"And Ah know that smell anywhere," Rogue sniffed the air, "and there's no way to describe it but by the name it calls itself. TODD TOLENSKY AND COMPANY, GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE!"

"Give us like, ten minutes, man!" Lance sort of giggled from behind the bushes.

"Shit! I'M COMING, I'M COMING, JUST GET ME AWAY FROM THEM!" Todd came hopping out, shaking his head. "Those two are the horniest bastards I ever met."

"Not too well acquainted with Scott, I see," Evan snickered.

"Alright, children, enough. We have to lay aside our petty squabbles. Katherine Pryde is DEAD," Xavier massaged his temples.

"If you don't mind, then, I'll stay," Todd said. "I kinda knew her," and then he mumbled, "plus, you richies probably got some good food."

"Sure, bub, whatever. Tell your friends to get out of the bushes and come join us so we can get this over with," Logan sighed. Today was going to be a long day.

"Is everyone ready?" Kurt had a few cases of Heineken on standby and was ready to finish up. A larger crowd had gathered to witness the funeral, now that it was later in the day.

Lance and Pietro were in the back with Rogue and Todd was near the front by Scott, who deserves the worst fate that can be given. But that's not what this story is about.

"Yes, son, we're ready," Xavier said with a smile.

"Vell, as I vas saying," Kurt opened a can and took a huge swig, "mein BOYFRIEND loves ze fur. And you know vat? He just showed up. So I'm gonna show you all mein boyfriend. He is sexy fine, SEXY FINE! And damnit, ze bitch Kitty is dead! GOD LIVES!"

"I think he had more beer than he's letting on," Todd observed. Scott nearly passed out from the smell.

"His name is Remy," Kurt pointed out a sexy reddish-brown haired young man with burning red eyes from the crowd. "Come stand up here, Remy, so zose bastards can see a real man!"

"Oui, mon ami," Remy stood up and walked over to where Kurt was standing by the podium. He looked at everyone and smiled. "Bonjour!"

Everyone nodded back. In shock. DAMN, HE WAS FINE.

"In shock, no doubt!" Kurt's eyes narrowed. He was definitely inebriated. "He does not say zat I am getting fur in ze pool. He does not vant me to go everywhere in mein hologram! He does not write in his diary about mein yellow eyes! I met him at a night football game and he vould not take off his glasses. DIS VAS MEANT TO BE. Zis is a true man, and if you vant him, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT ME FOR HIM!"

"Non, non, mon ami, no one has ta fight for ol' Remy. Come down, I 'tink ya had enough a' dat beer."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Well, Remy, maybe you'd like to introduce yourself. If you don't mind, of course," Xavier folded his hands in his lap and continued to look like a friendly old man.

"I guess I cou'. Aight, den, someone come help po' Kurt down from here," Remy handed Kurt off to Scott, who stood up to take him. I don't know why Scott always has to be the damn hero. The ass.

"Okay, nah. Th' names Remy LeBeau, born in New Orleans. I also go by th' name a' Gambit. Remy's a mutant, too, like de rest a' ya. No one likes him because a' his eyes. 'Sept fo' Kurt. I came here 'cause I was runnin' from dis crazy arranged marriage to dis girl named Bella Donna. Mah guild was tryin' ta make me marry 'er. Remy don' wanna marry no woman. Non, non, Remy's not gettin' tied down!"

"Well, Ah'd like to say a few words, if you all don't mind," Rogue stood up and walked to the podium, pulling off one of her gloves and shoving the hand in Remy's face. "Mah names Rogue, and Ah'm sorta like Kurt's sister. So, if you hurt him, Ah'm gonna have to kill ya!" Seeing the doubt on Remy's face, she continued, "Ah can absorb your powers and render you unconscious, swamp rat!"

"You don' even wanna know what mah powers ah firs', miss?" Remy flicked a few strands of hair from his eyes.

"Ah don't rightly care, but go on, by all means, dazzle us!" She said sarcastically.

"Stan' back, den," and with that, Remy snatched Rogue's glove from her and charged it up with kinetic energy, flinging it at a tree. The glove exploded upon contact, blowing the tree up and catching the remaining pieces on fire. "How's dat, chere?"

"Ah don't like you," Rogue muttered.

"Dat's okay, we got time ta bond. De good professor invited me to live here and learn ta control my powers like de res' a you," he grinned.

"And I'd also like to extend this invitation to the Brotherhood, as well. Mutants should unite and stop warring with each other. There is a way to coexist together with the humans in peace. And no, Todd, we aren't going to blast anyone with lightning. That was the result of no sex for more than a week, and I do apologize," Xavier coughed and looked at Lance and Pietro, who had stopped making out, suddenly.

"You mean we could live with you richies and you won't kill us?" Pietro said quickly and narrowed his eyes. "It doesn't sound right. But hey.. to have money again? I'LL DO IT."

"What about Magneto and Mystique? What are they gonna say? And do?" Todd shook his head. "Don't look like it'll work out."

"I don't want them living with us!" Scott shouted suddenly.

"Shut up, Summers!" Lance held his arms out, his eyes rolling into the back of his head, and stomped with one foot, causing the ground underneath Scott to split open. He fell a few feet and landed in some mud.

"Serves ya right, ass hole! Trying to put the moves on me last night in my weakened state!" Rogue screamed at him.

"You were putting the moves on him, girly," Logan reminded her.

"SHUT UP!" She ran into the Institute and up to her room.

"I'll go talk to her," Ororo volunteered and put down her watering can. She went inside to console Rogue.

"Why is Auntie O always trying to console everyone?" Evan cocked an eyebrow and looked at the professor.

"She likes to keep the peace," he said.

"Yeah, right, and it has nothing to do with you," Evan rolled his eyes and went back to glaring at Pietro.

"We're gonna have to decline," the one known as Quicksilver said, "since Mystique and Magneto really would have a fit if we joined you and would probably have us killed or something."

"Gotta agree on that shit!" Lance nodded.

"But we could stop over every now and then for a bite to eat, couldn't we?" Todd's tongue shot out at a wasp when Lance turned away for a second.

"Of course. As long as you cause no trouble, you are always welcome at the Institute. For we are fighting for justice, for a better world. We are the X-men," Xavier said as music started up and everyone posed, the wind blowing their hair dramatically and shit.

"This shit is a lame. We're leavin'," and with that, three-sixths of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants walked off into the sunset.

"Ze world is a better place vithout Kitty Pryde," Kurt mumbled in his sleep and then his eyes shot open and he jumped out of bed. "Vat is this!? It vas a dream!? NOOOOOOOOO! Zis can't be!"

"Like, oh my God, Kurt, what are you screaming about at this hour!?" Kitty came barging into his room, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You woke me up! You are gonna be in, like, so much trouble! I hope, like, everyone gets up and you, like, have to wash the dishes for a week!"

"You know vat, Kitty?" The German boy began to creep towards her. She took a step back. "Zere is only von sound I vant to hear. And zat is," BAMF! He grabbed her and teleported her into her room, above her bed, and where he knew, down below, Evan and Pietro were watching Sailormoon. "God gave me a vision, tramp!" He dropped her stupid ass, and she didn't know WHAT she would be landing on, so, naturally, she phased right through the bed and then fell.. right onto Evan.

"OH SHIT!" He heard Evan scream.

"That is so not cool, Evan! You got that bitch's blood all over my new shirt. You know how many favors I had to do for Mystique to get that stingy bitch to buy me this!?"

And then, Evan again. "NO, ROGUE, DON'T TOUCH HER, YOU DON'T HAVE GLOVES ON!"

BAMF! Kurt teleported downstairs to 'see vat vas going on'.

I don't know what I had accidentally inhaled when I wrote this, BUT NOW THAT IT HAS WORN OFF, I WANT SOME MORE!


End file.
